In late 2017, reports surfaced of widespread sexual harassment and abuse at the highest levels of society – from the bright lights of Hollywood to the halls of Congress to the training rooms of Olympic gymnasts. The majority of these stories involved men in positions of great power, prestige and trust using fear, manipulation and control to violate the dignity of those under them. The broad spectrum of offenders unmasked the pervasive nature of the problem: their ranks did not just include the sinister visage of Harvey Weinstein, but also the inviting smile of Matt Lauer; not just the predatory physician Larry Nassar, but also the esteemed actor Kevin Spacey.
This sad reality of exploitation and abuse is hardly a newsflash to many women who deal with it on a daily basis. But this time around, it seems that real change may be taking place. For once, powerful men are actually losing their jobs and facing criminal charges for actions that can no longer be tolerated. Women of influence are speaking out and sharing their stories, with the #MeToo movement ranked the top viral moment of 2017. There is even talk of legal reform, as the U.S. Supreme Court itself will review the federal circuit’s policies for investigating sexual misconduct.
At the same time, many have questioned whether these headlines present such a groundbreaking moment. After all, we’re talking about some of the most recognizable faces in entertainment, journalism and government being exposed — and even then, it took decades for the truth to come out about them. What about the daily experiences of women who find themselves far removed from the spotlight of Hollywood, Congress or the Olympics?
Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren calls for more accountability — not just in Washington, but from everyone in America.
I think it's an important time to reconsider how we as a society (particularly men) understand the plight of women and the embedded social structures we take for granted that may perpetuate the injustices they face.
To continue this conversation, I’ve invited my friend Cristin Jolee to share her views on the topic. Cristin has worked over the past 2 years at a center for domestic abuse and sexual assault victims in her home state of Wisconsin. She was recently promoted to become one of the center's directors, which will now open a new shelter to provide emergency care and temporary safe housing to women, men and children in a restorative environment.
Cristin has walked many women down the road to recovery after experiencing traumatic abuse, a difficult journey she’s lived through herself — once only narrowly escaping with her life. Now she's not just surviving, but thriving. She facilitates a weekly support group for abuse survivors, is a working mother of 2 beautiful children, and on top of all that has managed to find time to finish a degree in psychology. She plans to combine her experiences and training in a career dedicated to helping others embrace wholeness of mind, body and soul.
Cristin is also a gifted poet and writer whose creative voice echoes with authenticity and hope. In Part 2 of this series, she will share some of her poetry and explain how it's served as an instrument to give voice to the brokenness, beauty and boldness that have shaped her into the person she is today.
Cristin Jolee
(1) In your work with abuse victims, you help women who've just come out of very painful situations. Are these usually one-off cases of the “wrong relationship,” or do you see common patterns that build up to that point?
I would estimate that 99% of survivors I’ve worked with have experienced some degree of childhood abuse or dysfunction, or at some point have fallen into a pattern of abusive relationships.
As children, our experiences of love, attachment and connection are assimilated into our universal understanding of relationships. In essence, we learn what love feels like, or what love hurts like. We all need love and acceptance to flourish, and when that childhood love develops into a sense of unworthiness, or a need to prove one’s goodness, or even is violent, then we learn how to become receptive to that “love." It’s a survival mechanism that results in co-dependency.
We learn to put aside our needs, emotions, anger and worth to accommodate others. As adults we repeat this cycle and become attracted – both emotionally and sexually – to people who allow us to play out our role of love reception. It feels safer than the unknown.As Stephen Chbosky wrote in his book The Perks of Being a Wallflower, "We accept the love we think we deserve."
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Imagine two complex puzzle pieces: a young girl is one piece and her mother or father is the other piece. The girl will grow into the mold of her parent in order to receive love in the safest possible way. As an adult, she will continue to subconsciously search for others who fit this puzzle piece. This is how a person ends up finding himself/herself attracted to the “bad boy” stereotypes and then feels uncomfortable (or even bored) with “nice guys”. They seem to rub our edges the wrong way.
I found myself stuck in that pattern for years and discovered the only way to break it was hard inner work: chiseling away at the old shape to re-grow a new, healthier mold.
(2) What is the most difficult part of the recovery process for victims of abuse?
Recovery from any type of trauma can be complex and horrific and haunting. However, sexual trauma robs you of something very centric to your identity and often replaces it with distrust and shame. We now know that trauma lives in our cells and produces physiological changes in both our brains and bodies. So post-traumatic symptoms and emotions aren’t just in our heads in a psychological sense, or experienced as “hurt feelings,” in an emotional sense. They are real, they are felt, and they can stay there for a very long time.
Survivors often feel paranoid, disconnected from those they once loved and trusted, depressed, anxious, flat, and confused. I remember feeling that I had a lurking darkness inside me, one that could swallow me whole at any given moment. Therapy and trauma processing techniques such as EMDR, CBT, and EFT (among others) can greatly benefit a victim and reduce post-traumatic symptoms.
Two-time Olympian Aly Raisman speaks at a hearing for ex-USA Gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar, who was sentenced to life in prison for sexually assaulting more than 125 women. (January 19, 2018)
Growing a healthy support system, a sense of faith and connectedness, and outlets like art or writing can help someone who may not be ready or able to participate in therapy. I found that finding a trusted individual to whom I could divulge my stories and secrets helped a lot. Writing is also incredibly therapeutic even if it’s scattered stories or memories and emotions. There are some things that feel better living outside of us.
(3) What do you believe is the most common lie women are told from a young age, and how do the forces at play in society reinforce that lie?
Women could spend their entire lives unlearning lies we've learned, so the possibilities are endless. But I think a big one is: "Be small and look pretty doing it." Girls learn from a young age that our bodies are on constant display. I myself grew up in a religious setting and – while everyone had the very best of intentions – I was bombarded with seemingly innocent messages that grew into monstrous inner lies I clung to: “Two inches above the knee, too short, too tight, no spaghetti straps, cover up, too low cut, be careful not to make guys 'stumble.'” It doesn’t take long for body consciousness to turn into self-consciousness, and by adolescence a young girl is nearly fully conditioned (unknowingly) to believe her body is an object of visual pleasure, sin, inadequacy, temptation.
Because we are brilliant and resourceful creatures, we quickly learn to use our objectification to our advantage. The better the display, the better the business. The thinner, tanner, prettier, curvier, trendier, sexier, [insert unattainable societal views of beauty here] one is — the more popular, the more heads turn, the worthier, the easier life becomes.
“I think that raising a generation of girls to find value in their brilliance more than their beauty could result in an era of women with a foundation of lasting worth.”
We learn that, to survive and get what you want, you have to compete and tear other women apart to make yourself look better. Beauty becomes an adaptation in a patriarchal society that thrives on the self-doubt and insecurities of women.
But there is a poem I once read about replacing the word “beautiful” with “brilliant” or “radiant” every time we speak to our daughters. I think that raising a generation of girls to find value in their brilliance more than their beauty could result in an era of women with a foundation of lasting worth.
(4) What is the most important thing men can do to see change in this area? Not just to prevent abuse, but also address its intermediate forms that can lead to a culture of harassment and exploitation.
Men can decide to be present, both in the movement and in their daily interactions with women. I think a lot of good-hearted men can find themselves crossing lines if they don’t carry a self-awareness into every encounter, especially sexual or flirtatious ones.
It’s important for men to realize that nearly any sexual encounter they have with a female anatomically leaves her feeling more vulnerable. If a man wants to change the script, or a woman for that matter, it’s important we begin to inventory our own actions and examine the small harms that contribute to a culture of exploitation or objectification of others.
(5) Much has been said about the friends of offenders and victims who failed to detect warning signs or even turned a blind eye to inappropriate behaviors. How do we as friends help prevent those around us from becoming perpetrators or victims of abuse?
It needs to start with a belief, and then action based on that belief. If the belief is that no one should ever be the victim of assault, that’s a good start, but it leaves room for neglect. Small harmful patterns can go unchecked and build up steady momentum, and then inevitably we let things slide when we should be calling out our friends. The belief that no one should be assaulted is good in principle, but not so easily applied – even (sometimes especially) in situations with those we love and innately trust. And it doesn’t always end well for women.
However, if our core belief is that every person deserves to be treated with the utmost respect and dignity, we will be more likely to hold our friends accountable. Now, accountability comes with its own challenges, and it’s not always clear when to say when. Certainly a crime is a crime and there’s no excuse for abuse, but there are many encounters that can present “blurred lines” and leave us scratching our heads in hindsight.
Consider some ideas for how to approach those edgy – sometimes-awkward – moments:
Men: Imagine you’ve seen one of your guy friends do something you feel crosses a line. First, approach him openly; don’t immediately ostracize him. Tell him what it was you saw or heard that bothers you. Tell him what specifically, from your point of view, just didn't seem right. Explain that if you were in his shoes, you’d also want to know if you made a woman feel uncomfortable so there’s is a chance to make things right.
Women: If something makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t laugh it off or smile or flirt back when your skin is actually crawling inside your body. Leave, say/ yell/ scream “No, hell no!” Walk away, call a cab, tell someone you trust. You have agency over your life and how people can treat you. I understand there are situations in which a woman may not be safe doing any of these things. However, when safety isn’t the issue and societal pressures and programming are — I hope we begin to break the mold instead of getting small and staying pretty.
(6): With a President in office who's openly bragged about sexual assault and scandals continuing to surface from society's most elite circles, do you feel we are taking a step back? What does real progress look like?
I think this speaks more to our ignorance as a society regarding sexual assault and abuse than it does to our acceptance of it. It’s simply the unveiling of a deep and prevalent issue that has gone unaddressed for centuries. Now we have to shift inter-generational mindsets where the objectification and subjugation of women has not only become accepted, but expected. Our society is learning and growing, so this is something that's gonna take time.
While I despise what these individuals have done and said, I'm glad that this behavior is coming out into the public spotlight. The President and other men in elected office aren’t doing anything new, they're just shedding light on an already prevalent problem. Unfortunately, it took that problem staring right back at us on primetime news and draped in our flag for us to address it. It’s given the general public the opportunity to construct a moral stance on the words we use to address women, their body parts, and on how a man in power should conduct himself in relationship to them.
“Progress says, “I believe you,” to a victim and it doesn’t hide or cover things up. It’s time to bring things into the light and keep them there.”
Real progress looks like keeping up the conversation and being willing to engage in those uncomfortable discussions. Progress says, “I believe you,” to a victim and it doesn’t hide or cover things up. It’s time to bring things into the light and keep them there.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of this series when Cristin will share some original poetry that strikes at the heart of this discussion.
If you'd like to know more about Cristin's personal story, her writing, her work with abuse victims — or if you want to book her for a public speaking event — go check out www.cristinjolee.com or contact her directly at cristinjolee@gmail.com.
(cover photo by David Everly)